


Mission Impossible

by aya_modj (ariales)



Category: Naruto, Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Beware of Fangirls, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-04
Updated: 2008-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-09 06:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1142918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariales/pseuds/aya_modj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their mission was simple: get the needed information from one of the Leader’s contacts. Unfortunately, no one told them that their task will not involve ninjas. CRACKFIC. Naruto crossover with Ouran.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mission Impossible

 

“Tell me again what the hell are we doing here?” Hidan demanded, staring at the sign on the door in front them.

“We’re here to get the information Leader-sama needs,” Tobi cheerfully reminded him.

“I know that idiot. What I meant was, what the hell are we doing in a _high school_?”

“Oh.” Tobi looked at the piece of paper on his hands. “But it says right here in the address, we are to look for the third music room in -”

“This is shit,” Hidan suddenly declared. “That bastard always gives us the weirdest assignments. Remember when he ordered us to kidnap that what’s-his-face prince from what’s-that-shit country? We had to disguise ourselves as pimps to get inside the palace. Seriously. ” Hidan widened his eyes. “Pimps! I had to cleanse myself from that sacrilegious mission he threatened us to do!”

“If I may say so, Hidan-san, you were the most handsome pimp in disguise I ever saw,” Tobi assured him earnestly. Hidan glared at him.

“You,” he spat, pointing a finger at Tobi, “shut the hell up!”

“Okay, Hidan-san!”

“Like, right now.”

“Okay!”

“Tobi. I. Said. Shut. Up.”

“Right! You know I’ll always obey you, Hidan-san!”

Hidan groaned and glared at the person standing behind them all this time. “And you,” he growled at Itachi. “Aren’t you going to say anything? You are fucking creepy, you know. Seriously.”

Itachi merely stared at him blankly.

Hidan groaned again. “Damn. I’m stuck with these weirdos,” he muttered darkly. Dealing with Kakazu suddenly seemed so much easier than these two. He pushed open the double doors. “Let’s get this shit over quickly. I have a ritual to do and – _what the hell?!_ ”

Hidan had to cover his eyes with his hand as a blinding ray of light greeted them and a swirl of petals filled the air. The room smelled of cakes and roses and, as Hidan squinted, saw more than a dozen piercing gazes were focused on them. The three assassins blinked, like deers caught in a car’s headlight. The room was filled with deathly silence, with all eyes trained on the newcomers with curiosity.

And for the first time in Hidan’s memory, he shifted in his place uncomfortably. There was something sinister in the glints of all those girls’ eyes. Especially that girl with long brown hair, standing on a motorized platform and holding a microphone on her hands.

What the hell was she doing with a microphone? Is she a fucking singer?

The room suddenly darkened, and Hidan instinctively gripped his scythe. Then, a spotlight fell on a tall, lanky blond who was walking up to them with such grace none of the Akatsuki could ever have. Or want, for that matter.

“Greetings, new visitors,” Tamaki said loudly, beaming at the three of them. He ran a hand through his hair, making sure the newcomers would notice his new highlights (which coincidentally was also yellow), and somehow the spotlight even grew brighter, and Tamaki basked in its brightness. “Welcome to the Host Club!”

Tobi squinted at the paper on his hands then grinned at Hidan. “See, Hidan-san? We’re in the right place,” he said brightly.

“Tobi, I told you to shut up. Remember?”

“Oh right! I forgot!”

The strange blond creature was still speaking. “We are not accustomed to have male guests come over, let alone those who enjoy cosplay as much as we do,” he said, gesturing at the black Akatsuki cloak the three of them were wearing. “But we always cater to our guests, no matter who they are!”

“Cosplay?” Tobi grinned. “I love cosplay! Especially wearing those dresses worn during the Victorian era!”

Hidan took a look at Tobi and stepped back in disgust.

“Indeed?” Tamaki’s attention focused on the masked man and beamed. “That is wonderful!”

Tobi beamed back.

“Please, please,” Tamaki gestured at an empty couch. “Do sit down, erm, Monk-san,” Tamaki said brightly as he eyed the rosary inside Hidan’s Akatsuki robe.

Hidan paled. “What the hell did he just call me?”

“And Red-eye-san,” Tamaki continued, smiling at Itachi, always the graceful host.

A muscle in Itachi’s face twitched ever so slightly.

“And Mask-san, of course,” Tamaki gave Tobi a wide smile. Tobi blinked and leaned over at Hidan.

“Who was he referring to as Mask-san?” Tobi whispered wonderingly.

“It’s you, stupid. Who else in this room wears a fucking weird mask?”

“Oh.” Tobi brightened. It was, after all, the first time someone called him with an honorific. “Thank you.”

Tobi sat down on the couch. Hidan and Itachi didn’t move an inch.

“So,” Tamaki began as he settled himself on a chair. He crossed his legs and looked at them with enthusiasm. “What brings you in our humble club? Are you planning to join us?”

Tobi perked up. “Oooh… can we?”

Tamaki, glad at the thought of having a new apprentice lunged at him and took Tobi’s hand. “Ah, my dear boy, if pleasuring women is in your passion, then, pray tell, why must anyone stop you? It is a man’s mission in life to ensure a woman’s happiness and joy, after all.”

Tobi’s eyes watered, touched by Tamaki’s speech. “Really?”

“Yes,” Tamaki cried. “And if you wish, we can –”

“Just a fucking moment,” Hidan interrupted loudly, oblivious at the flinching expression of almost everyone in the room had with his f-word. “We didn’t come to this shit just for that. Our asshole leader sent us here for a different type of mission and –”

Tamaki slowly stood up, a hand clutched tightly on his chest as he breathed heavily. “Did – did you just said the f-word?”

Hidan looked at him blankly. “The what?”

“The _f-word_ ,” Tamaki repeated in a loud whisper, his eyes wide.

“What, fuck?” Hidan asked in confusion.

Tamaki gasped (and so did almost everyone in the room) and he fainted.

“What is fucking wrong in saying fuck?” Hidan demanded as Tobi gingerly poked Tamaki on the floor.

“Excuse me,” Tobi whispered, “are you still alive?”

But instead of Tamaki answering, the sound of motor came to life and Renge stepped down and walked up to them, stopping beside a fainted Tamaki. “This,” she said slowly, her voice wavering, “this is the first time someone said the f-word in this room. Not even Kasanoda-san mentioned it here before.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Hidan demanded as the group of fan girls formed a big circle around them and all female eyes were on him.

“This,” Renge continued, breathing heavily, “this is –” She blinked. “Tamaki-kun!”

At the sound of his name, Tamaki came to life and sprung lightly on his feet. He covered his eyes with his finger for a moment before snapping his fingers. “Hikaru! Kaoru!”

The Hitachiin brothers skidded to a stop behind Tamaki. “Yes, sir!” They saluted. Tamaki pointed at Hidan who instinctively took a step back.

“Can we work him?”

Faster than any ninja Hidan met before, Hidan suddenly found himself being inspected by the twins, one measuring his legs and back, the other taking photos of him from different angles. It took two seconds for his mind to draw blank, before he finally snapped.

“Get away from me, you filthy heathens,” Hidan exclaimed, reaching out for his scythe.

The twins took a step back and held each other’s hand. They pressed their bodies so close together, their legs practically entwined.

“Did he hurt you, Kaoru?” Hikaru whispered as he cupped his brother’s chin and gently pulled his face upwards.

“No, Hikaru. But I’d rather have him hurt me than let that evil man touch you,” Kaoru murmured softly, caressing his twin’s face.

“Kyaa!!”

The room was filled with swoons and a couple of thuds was heard as two fan girls fainted on the floor.

“What the hell is going on?” Hidan shouted over the gleeful noise. He backed away and clutched his rosary. He eyed the Hitachiin brothers with disgust. “Are you two fucking gay?”

Hikaru nuzzled Kaoru’s cheek tenderly.

“Kyaa!!”

Another swooning fit.

Nosebleeds.

And despite Hidan’s horror, he managed to hide behind Itachi who discreetly activated his Sharingran to watch the twins’ act more clearly.

“Holy shit! That’s incest,” Hidan yelped, clutching his rosary and his scythe on the other hand just in case the twins come near him. “You two are going straight to hell! Jashin-sama will fucking punish your heathen soul for that immoral –”

“Hikaru! Kaoru,” Tamaki cried over Hidan’s voice as Honey burst into tears and Mori covered the small boy’s ears to prevent him from hearing any more curses. “What do you think?”

“He’s good, Tono,” Hikaru drawled, _accidentally_ brushing the lower back of Kaoru.

“Holy crap -” Hidan clutched the rosary tighter. “Jashin-sama, please cleanse my soul for seeing this filthy stunt –”

“Darker highlights and a change of wardrobe, and it would do the trick,” Kaoru agreed, his hand resting on Hikaru’s abdomen.

At least, Hidan hope it’s Hikaru’s abdomen.

Tamaki clapped once. “Very well. Very well. You,” he boomed delightfully as he pointed at Hidan, “are going to be the Bad Boy type of this club!”

“Eh? But Hidan-san is a very good man,” Tobi chirped.

Renge’s eyes sparkled with fan girl fantasies. “A young, handsome man with a mysterious and sad past with a tendency to hide his emotions behind his bad-boy demeanor…” She squealed excitedly. “This is MOE!!”

“MOE!!” The other fan girls echoed with fits of nosebleed. “MOE!!”

Tobi looked at Hidan with surprise. “I didn’t know you have a mysterious and sad past, Hidan-san.”

Hidan was still busy praying to retort.

“You can always talk to me,” Tobi offered, staring at Hidan with sympathy. “You know I’ll always be here for you.”

Tamaki’s gaze fell on the stoic figure that Hidan was hiding behind from. Tamaki’s eyes brightened.

“And another one!” Tamaki exclaimed joyfully. “Three new apprentices in one day! This is exciting! Hikaru! Kaoru!”

“Yes sir!” And they untangled themselves from each other and rushed towards Itachi (who had de-activated his Sharingan once the twincest act was over). Itachi stared blankly ahead as the twins circled around him, both of whom kept on nodding from time to time. Kaoru reached out to feel Itachi’s hair but before he could do so, the stoic assassin flicked his gaze at the younger Hitachiin.

“Touch me and I’ll rip your heart out and make your brother eat it,” Itachi deadpanned.

Kaoru clasped hands with Hikaru. He buried his face in Hikaru’s chest. “He’s scary, Hikaru,” Kaoru whimpered, wrapping his arms around his brother.

“There, there, Kaoru. He won’t hurt you,” Hikaru murmured consolingly as he rested his lips on Kaoru’s forehead.

“MOE!!”

Hidan shut his eyes tighter, still murmuring a very religious prayer. “– ing people… don’t let them come fucking near me, Jashin-sama… I swear I’m going to sacrifice ten fucking virgins for you after this –”

Tamaki was thinking hard. After a minute, he snapped his fingers and bounced on his feet.

“I know! Red-eye-san can be the next _Wild Type_!” Tamaki announced triumphantly. “Quiet and mysterious, his enigmatic personality shall captivate every woman’s heart. With one look at his beautiful eyes, everyone shall fall in love with him!” He turned to Mori who was forcing cake inside Honey’s mouth to prevent the latter from crying again.

“Mori-senpai!” Tamaki cried. “I found you a new apprentice!”

“Mn.”

Renge and the fan girls squealed in approval.

Itachi continued to stare ahead blankly.

Tamaki beamed around. “This is the start of a new host club! With more people giving joy to women and -”

“Umm, excuse me,” Tobi ventured from the couch, looking hopeful. “And what will I be?”

Tamaki and the twins stared at him for a full minute, the _tick-tock-tick-tock_ of the wall clock resounding loudly in the entire Music Room.

“Well,” Tamaki finally hedged. “We couldn’t exactly say unless you take that mask off.”

Tobi was aghast. “No! Is there no other way?”

“It’s not that hard, really,” Tamaki told him kindly. “Just take the mask off so we can see what we can do with you –”

But by now, the twins’ curiosity took hold of them. They glanced at each other from the corner of their eye and grinned.

“Why don’t we play _‘Let’s-take-the-mask-off-his-face’_ game?” Hikaru and Kaoru chorused gleefully.

Tobi blinked. “The what-game?” And before anybody could react, there was one twin at each side of him, grinning manically. “What were you –”

And the twins started to pull the mask off Tobi.

And Tobi frantically tried to keep his mask on.

A pull.

A tug.

A push.

“Help,” Tobi screamed as twenty nimble fingers wrapped around his mask trying to pull it off, while he tried to keep it on.

“Stop it, you vile dopplegangers!” Tamaki cried valiantly. “Thou shall not force our new member!”

And he joined in the tug-of-mask with passionate valor, trying to help Tobi, his new apprentice.

Only, he kept poking the Akatsuki member in the eye.

“Ow!”

“Sorry!! Hikaru… Kaoru… stop pulling,” Tamaki grunted, prying the twins’ fingers off Tobi’s mask.

“Stop… pushing…. Tono,” Hikaru gritted.

“We-want-to-see-his-face,” Kaoru panted.

“Help!” Tobi screamed. Apparently, the host club’s antics were too much for the Akatsuki to handle.

Hidan, who now felt safe from the Hitachiin’s immoral activities, stood beside Itachi at the corner of the room, and watched with amusement at the chaos happening.

“This place is fucking crazy,” Hidan observed.

Pause.

Itachi nodded in agreement.

“But I do want to see Tobi’s freaking face too,” Hidan admitted.

Pause.

Itachi nodded in agreement.

“Excuse me?”

Hidan and Itachi turned. Haruhi blinked at them.

“Tea?” She offered, raising the tray on her hands to them.

“Thanks,” Hidan said, getting a cup. Itachi didn’t respond. Haruhi turned to watch the struggling men in the middle of the room.

“Aren’t you going to help your friend?” Haruhi asked.

“Stop poking him in the eye, Tono!”

“Tobi? Nah, he can take care of his freaking self,” Hidan responded.

“Help!”

“Ah.” Haruhi nodded. Hidan took a sip of the tea and glanced at Itachi.

“I know the leader told us to be inconspicuous and to not kill anyone,” Hidan said as he put the cup down on the table. He pointed at Tamaki who was wildly screeching at the twins. “But can I just cut his head off?”

Haruhi, who was by now sitting on the corner and answering her homework, thought Hidan was still talking to her. And because she didn’t want to be rude, she decided to agree with whatever he says.

“Sure,” she said absently, reaching out for her pen.

“No,” Itachi replied.

“Okay. So…” Hidan gestured at the twins whose hands were on Tobi’s mask while their legs on Tamaki’s face. “Can I kill them instead?”

“Sure,” Haruhi repeated, still not listening.

“No,” Itachi said.

“Please?” Hidan looked hopeful.

“Sure,” Haruhi said vaguely, writing down her answer.

“No,” Itachi replied.

“Damn.” Hidan looked sullen.

The door suddenly snapped open and everyone stopped whatever they were doing and stared. A hush fell over the room.

“What,” Kyoya deadpanned as he adjusted his glasses, “is going on here?”

“Mooom!!” Tamaki cried as he lunged at Kyoya’s leg. “Those evil twins are trying to scare off our new members!”

“Mom?” Hidan repeated. “Oh please… not another one!”

Kyoya’s gaze wandered from a still eating and whimpering Honey, to the crowd of nosebleeding fan girls, to the twins on top of Tobi, and finally, to Haruhi’s side where Hidan and Itachi are standing on. Kyoya opened his notebook and ran his eyes across the page.

“Hidan-san? Uchiha-san? Tobi-san?” Kyoya asked, looking at each man as he said their name. Tamaki sulked in the corner as Kyoya blatantly ignored his presence.

Hidan eyed his suspiciously. “How the hell did you know our names?”

“I have your records,” was Kyoya’s reply.

Silence.

Hidan stared. “Our – _what_?”

“Your Akatsuki group is getting stronger everyday and it’s a wise decision to keep track of what’s happening around the world,” Kyoya continued, pushing his glasses up. “A little precaution never hurt anyone.”

“Our – _what_?”

Tobi took advantage of his freedom from the twins (and Tamaki’s poking) and hurried over to Hidan’s side, gripping his mask protectively.

“I’m all right,” Tobi panted. “Do not worry about me, Hidan-san! Itachi-san!”

“No one is asking, stupid!”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Hidan looked at Kyoya. “You know about our group?” He asked. Then, a thought suddenly occurred to him. “Hey, do you know where our headquarter is?”

“Naturally,” Kyoya nodded. “I’ve been there a couple of times.”

Silence. Even Itachi blinked.

Hidan gaped. “You – _what_?”

“Pain-kun makes very delicious tea, if I may say so,” Kyoya informed him.

“You – _what_?”

“Leader-sama does makes delicious tea,” Tobi agreed fervently.

Hidan stared at Kyoya. “That asshole made you tea? And he didn’t kill you?”

Kyoya’s eyeglasses clouded. He took a step forward. Hidan gripped his scythe instinctively. “We better discuss this outside. I’ve been expecting the three of you since an hour ago and I was wondering whether something bad happened to-”

“You’re the contact the leader was talking about?” Hidan interrupted.

“Well,” Kyoya began

“And you keep records on us?” Hidan continued. “Are you a stalker? I mean, sure, Zetsu might be a spy and he eats the body of our victims, but he would never collect reports on our targets. He’s not that fucking _evil_.”

Pause. “Clearly, we have different ideas on what evil is,” Kyoya said amusedly. His phone suddenly rang and he picked it up. “Hello?… Ah, yes. They’re finally here… Hang on…” He handed the phone to Tobi. Tobi placed the phone on his ear.

“Hello?” Tobi greeted politely. “Ah, leader-sama, how are you?… Yes, we have the money… oh right… Right…. Right… right… right…”

 _If Tobi says right one more time, I’m going to cut his freaking head off_ , Hidan thought darkly.

“Okay, so we just have to pay Ootori-san and get the information from him and if we mess this up, you’re going to kill the three of us… oh yes. Very painfully. Of course.” Tobi nodded cheerfully. “I understand. Well, take care leader-sama. We’ll be back as soon as we can. And please don’t forget to lock the doors okay? There are a lot of bad people around our area… okay… bye.”

Tobi returned the phone to Kyoya.

The room was filled with silence and the temperature dropped to zero.

“So. Shall we start the meeting?” Kyoya asked, snapping his notebook shut. Hidan and Itachi found themselves holding unto their weapons.

“Okay,” Tobi chirped.

Kyoya smiled at them.

Hidan and Itachi held onto their weapons even tighter before reluctantly following the bespectacled young man to the next room. Somehow, the thought that this Ootori and the Leader having tea behind their back was scarier than any mission Hidan ever faced.

The next time the leader gives out the mission, Hidan will make sure to get the one where he needs to kill the entire village than come back to this club.

**Author's Note:**

> Posting for archiving purposes. Unbetaed.


End file.
